The Security State is a scam, a ruse, a fraud, a fumisterie and a mystification. Even our rulers don’t believe, if we take them not by their words but their actions.
Le Canard Enchaîné is Paris and France’s indispensable satirical journal, a weekly that does in text what Charlie does with cartoons. (Since the killers who they tell us are perennially scouring the perimeters of our society don’t read much, Canard has been spared ferocious attacks if not the death threats.) A few weeks ago the journal covered a story that took place at the prestigious Cercle National des Armées in Paris, during a NATO meeting. The incompetence of all, crooks included, in the story below really is a cause for laughter. I translated Didier Hassoux and Christophe Labbé’s article because no one wrote about the story in the English language press but also to give Riff readers a feel for the way Canard covers politics, far from the pious intonations of our the mainstream Anglo press when they repeat the nostrums of government hacks.
Someone will always argue that another layer, just one more, of security must be applied if we want to be safe. Another security check, another set of documents from an acronym agency. Either NATO and the Cercle des Armées are spectacularly incompetent or they themselves don’t believe it. Or else they’re in league with the thieves. There’s a thought !
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Barbouzerie à le Cercle National des Armées
OSS 117* to Army HQ! July 1, 2022, le Cercle National des Armées, Place Saint Augustin in Paris’s 8th arrondissement, the prestigious Parisian club reserved for military brass hosted a top-secret NATO seminar.* Topic for the day ? « Antimissile defense on the high seas.» A subject sure to attract Russian curiosity while their gunboats splash around the Black and Azov Seas. So, a meeting for higher-ups… which ended like a thriller without any stars.
A female officer in the German high command participated in the shindig, where defense secrets were shared. Sometime after midday, back from lunch, she returned to her seat on the third floor conference room. Surprise ! Her computer was gone. Get ready for war ! Decorated with a sticker in Bundeswehr colors, the laptop contained «confidential data from numerous countries, » in the words of the report filed by the Teutons with the police.*
Bad Luck Wears a Beard
Happily, the building’s interior is crisscrossed by surveilance cameras, which caught everything on tape, starting with the dereliction of duty by the guards out front. At 3:03 pm, according to the deposition, a civilian, his face hidden behind a bushy black beard, wearing a baseball cap and sporting a large black backpack, walked into the building without so much as a Who Goes There ? Attaching himself to an accredited visitor, he pretended to be part of her team, after which, taking the elevator to the third floor, he walked straight into the meeting room where the NATO conference was on lunch hours. He appeared to be familiar with the surroundings.
The man in the cap saluted three military men (one Norwegian, one Belge and one American) as if he were on an everyday assignment. Then, « without the slightest hesitation, » he took a seat behind the great U-shaped table, removed his backpack and began sorting through printed documents. A skillful manœuvre which distracted the guards from seeing him slip the computer into his satchel. A moment later, he exited as easily and carefree as he entered. Total time for the heist: less than ten minutes.
Surly ’Mericans
For the execs in charge of the Cercle National des armées, this couldn’t be a simple trick, it had to be an inside job (barbouzerie). Computer theft has proven to be a recurring problem at NATO. In addition to the complaint lodged by the Bundeswehr, the Direction of Internal Security (DGSI) and its counterpart in the Army, the Directorate of Information and Defense Security (DRSD) were very quickly in the loop. Their orders were to capture the guilty party as quickly as possible and above all, the computer. Our spies, who quickly identified the thief, are on the trail of his accomplices, all the way up to whoever ordered the sting — doubtless, the principality of Andorra.*
Even if the computer was « blocked » remotely, the hard drive is crammed with sensitive information, among them a detailed account of the seminaire. In the course of their complaint, the injured party cited the statement by the American in charge of organizing the event: « It’s espionage, because the person was very familiar with the building and knew exactly what to do. »
(Both the Cercle National and the Americans know the drill, and know how to point the finger elsewhere.)
The Yankees didn’t miss the chance to get a dig in on the Frenchies about the cavalier manner in which the latter party arranged security for the colloquium. Embarrassment at the chateau* the day before the NATO summit on « The Russian Threat » in Madrid: Macron was forced to admit that France, like its allies, must « reinforce its means of dissuasion and defense on the Eastern front. »
But is anything planned for the Parisian front and its Army HQ ?
(Didier Hassoux and Christophe Labbé, Canard July 13)
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There’s more to the story. According to the Quotidien-Libre (Marseille), the thief left the building and went directly to a nearby brasserie, where he committed a second theft before being apprehended. The man in question is said to be French-Israeli, working in tandem with a reseller who sends stolen electronics to Marocco. The two men were held for 48 hours during which time police concluded that they weren’t agent of a foreign power. (The thief just took a fancy to the building and guessed there might be a computer waiting for him on the third floor. So goes the impeccable reasoning. Of course these thieves might have friends inside the prefecture as well.) Released, they’ll stand trial in March 2023, according to Quo-Libre’s judicial sources. The computer is yet to be recovered.
(Kudos to Quotidien Libre, which followed up after the Paris papers lost interest.)
Notes:
OSS 117 : a fictional French spy, hero of dozens of novels, most recently reincarnated as a hapless drageur in the Hazanavicius films starring Jean Dujardin.
Prestigious club: An enormous social club masquerading as an administrative center in the heart of Paris, with three restaurants, three hotels, meeting spaces, all inside a Neoclassical confection from the 1920s.
Military brass : « braided ones »
Germans : The word is Teuton in the original. Canard obviously didn’t get the memo about Inclusivity and Be Kind, the new mantras of the enforcer class. As must be endlessly repeated for the sensitivos about Charlie Hebdo, Canard insults anyone who stands still long enough.
Chateau : reference to Palais Elysées a few blocks away.
Andorra : the tiny principality in the Pyrenees with no coastline.
Thanks to Leo Da Vinc’ and M. Merisi for the graphics.
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An incident and an article that raises many more questions than it answers, no ? The police explanation about a supply chain of stolen computers on route to the Magreb seems laughable, as risible as their release of the suspects after 48 hours. Maybe they have friends inside the Prefecture.
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NATO will happily expand right up to the Russian-Finnish border, provided they can get the Finnish PM to stop dancing and sign the papers. She seems reluctant to take that final step.
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n.b. to any Riffs readers or subscribers who’ve trekked this far
A too-long, completely unanticipated layoff : a brutal work schedule outdoors in the hottest summer in history, endless travel by métro, kidney failure that had me in and out of the emergency rooms preceded by another sack stolen with another computer in it ; as for guards the Germans had more than I did : a beery piano player and an American academic deep in her cups who claimed she didn’t understand why people in her world are going on about Trans People all the time. ‘What does it mean ?’ she begged me. Two innocents who didn’t see a thing when the thief did his work. A pro. Much was saved from the wreck except five or six half-finished Riffs stories and ideas for more. So I’ve been on a protracted layoff which isn’t good for anybody. « A writer who doesn’t write is a monster skirting the edge of insanity. » said the greatest of them all, and I had plenty of time to chew on that one while staring at the ceiling in various hospitals and here in my cave. Writers and monsters both skirt the edge of insanity, don’t they, cher Franz K. I know you haven’t minded the summer off, dear reader. For myself, I’ll have to recoup, even if the wooze-inducing painkillers are making me feel I’m far away at sea.
This may be of help.
I spent 2 weeks in hospital with kidney problems and they did nothing useful.
A doctor friend recommended fresh lemon juice twice per day. A miracle! I continued doing this for 4 months until I was sure the issue was gone. That was 2 years ago.